January 25, 2008

Blah!

ok. so i blog when i'm depressed. coz when i'm depressed, i think of alot of things. i want to write these 'alot of things', i guess. so i blog.

i just feel like nothing's going right. or perhaps, nothing's going my way. i mean the way i like it. and not having it my way means... it's wrong. yeah, i know how stupid that sounded.

i'm a leader, but i'm not bossy; neither i am an authoritarian. i actually believe i'm one of those who lacks the leadership instinct that others overflowingly have. yet, i still strive to be somewhat close to a mediocre leader - basically someone who can do all tasks assigned to her. just that thing. even just that thing.

but that 'just thing' keeps me frustrated for several times. o well, maybe because i have OC disorder. yes, i believe i am OC. i want everything settled perfectly, which in most cases causes frustration because i cannot.

i cannot because i'm weak, i'm frail, i'm fragile, i'm everything synonymous to these words.

and it's just sooo frustrating everytime i think about all these, and think of that particular event when such time i can be able to compensate with all my failures.

and just now, i remembered : "i hate irrelevant questions! i hate when someone asks just for the sake of asking and not knowing. i hate questioning again, when the answer has just been said." no offense, it's not the 'you' i hate, it's the 'how-you-do-it' that i hate. =) *that was way out of the topic, sorry for that.*

self-inflicted pain, i endure it. how stupid.

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