November 16, 2009

I Haven't Stopped Loving You

I didn't mean to abandon you my personal blog and don't get jealous with Tumblr. It's just that I have kept my rantings and thoughts in one of my favorite notebooks. And it has so far, absorbed all of them very well. Remember when I told you I 'm hoping it'll be the last time I'll be writing about him here at your face, well that's another reason. But I'm here again, and to warn you up front, this will be about him again. So let me apologize first for being such a bad friend, only turning to you when I have problems; on the other hand, let me say that just be flattered 'coz that means you're the most effective shock absorber of mine. :) And I thank you for that blog. THANK YOU.

* * *

Lately I've been thinking of cutting the lines of our communications, TOTALLY. Yes, like deleting you as friend in all my social networking sites, cancelling my Multiply account who stores all our pictures together, renaming my sites so you won't be able to check on them (if you still do), I even thought of deleting your family members (whom I got to be close with when we were still together), but I think that would be too much. Call me BITTER, but this is not bitterness, I'm telling you.

Yes, I agreed upon remaining friends with you even after we broke up and despite the pain that I know I'll be getting if I do. But until this point, it's not helping. It just made me wish everyday that what we have then still has a chance. Seriously, I told myself that if ever you'd ask me back, I'll tell you I can forget EVERYTHING that had happened and answer a stupid 'yes'. But back to reality, I know you will not do that.

Counting the months, it's been half a year already since you said the 'lost spark' thing. And I guess that is long enough of pain. You might not know this, but yes, it still pains me. Seeing you pains me. Seeing you happy with someone else pains me. You do not know this because I lied big time. I lied by pretending I'm OK, by letting you know I've moved on, by telling you I'm happy because you're happy, by laughing my heart out when I see you around. And that's just because I don't want you to see me miserable; in the same manner that I don't want to see you miserable as well.

So again, this is not bitterness, this is just fairness that I want. I ALSO WANT TO MOVE ON. And so far in the 6 months that passed, nothing worked well for me. So I guess, there's only one thing left for me to do, the last resort I never imagined I'll be opting to, the hardest way out -- to totally stay away from you. No text messages and a deleted friend in my sites, plus the hopes that our paths won't cross at school.

I'm so sorry but this is the only way I see that can really help me. I need this. I badly need this.

Excerpt from my diary: 11/13/09

"Nasaktan ako nung may iba na pala after almost 4 months pa lang. Pero mas masakit ng malaman ko na may isa pa pala (si crush) Yung tipo ng sakit na 'Ako? Ikaw pa rin,' pero ikaw makakadalawa ka na. Pero sa totoo lang, hindi yun ang pinakamasakit. Yung katotohanang iba ka na, yun ang pinakanagpapalungkot sa'kin. Hindi na ikaw yung taong nakilala ko. Pero hindi ko masabing hindi na rin ikaw yung taong minahal ko. Kasi kahit alam kong nagbago ka na, hindi pa din nagbago ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo -- mahal pa kita."

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