December 4, 2009

Signs

"Lord, malakas po ang faith ko sa inyo. Pero parang ayaw ko na pong umasa..."

I found myself saying the above words one morning of November 30. I have my weird sides to the weirdest level at times, in case you still don't know that. One weird night, on my way home from school, I came up with a weird idea in connection with looking for 'signs'.


November 26, around 7 PM. I was in my last ride going home thinking over some things, thinking about him, my love. It is at most times about 10-15 minutes FX ride. While gazing on different cars, I asked God, "Please give me a sign." The sign I asked for was that I should be able to find a car having the numbers 6,2, and 9 in its plate number and I want it in order, as in 6-2-9. Calculating the probability, that's 9*10*10, meaning a 1 out of 900. I know it's a bit impossible and possible at the same time. Impossible for the obvious reasons that the probability is too low and that I need to find it in just a 15-minute ride. Possible in the sense that plate numbers ending in 9 are not part of the 'number-coding' that day and of course, because there's nothing impossible with God.

We were about halfway of the ride and I still don't get a 629. I still kept looking through those fast wheels which was made harder when the rain started pouring. But just after the FX turned right from that drive I forgot the name, I saw this red Toyota Corolla on my left periphery just ahead of us a little. I think I saw a 629 there, but I was unsure; screw the raindrops that were needed to be wiped by that ear-wrecking wiper. I didn't settle for that, I wanted a crystal clear view of my 629. The ride went on and my hopes were slowly vanishing as the rain also stopped from pouring. We've already passed that U-turn slot in Kalayaan, making me feel really close home already.

Just when I was about to give up, there was this green Adventure car parked, with signal lights on, on the right side where we were about to make a turn. I found a 629! But I need to make sure of it this time. I did not took my eyes off those green numbers which was way easier to confirm because the raindrops were gone and the car was stationary. My heart almost bursted, I was about to laugh hard but I didn't because no one will understand. It was like God was telling me, "You didn't settle for the first one I gave you, then here's a better view." And God made me smile as always.

But I'm weird and I wanted to wait for more signs. After getting off the FX, while walking home with a big smile on my face, I asked God again. "I know You might be thinking I don't trust You, but it's really not easy to still fight for him, especially now," recalling our current situation and his current relationship. "So can I ask for another sign? Promise, this will be the last."

The last sign? I want that person, whom God seems wants me to fight for, to talk to me or at least text me, or just do anything to make me feel his presence, even if its not about me or about us. This is actually impossible because I already asked him to stay away from me, though it was really me who needs to keep distant from him. And so far, we are successful in doing it. It was even made more impossible by the fact that the ultimatum of the sign was only until the end of November - just 4 days away.

Days passed by. My life goes on, keeping in mind of the sign very minimally. November 27, I had no classes, no chance of seeing him at school, and no text message from him either. I had my hospital duty during the 28th and 29th, and I need to be in transient-mode because of the hospital's distance. Apparently, in that two days, it's impossible to see him. But on those days, at times when my phone vibrates, a little hope lights in my heart that it will be a message from him. Especially that whole day of the 29th, our supposed to be 29th monthsary. But still, there was nothing.

It was a tiring two-day duty. The body pains gave me reasons to rest for almost the whole day of the last day of November.

But just around 10 AM of that day, I was awakened by the vibration from my phone which was under my pillow. Though hesitant to get it at first, i finally decided to pick it up. There was actually two messages already, but the latter which appears to be the first unopened message in my inbox was the one that really woke me up. And unexpectedly, it was from him.

It was actually a group message asking if we knew somebody who owns a certain number he wrote in the message. Then I remembered the last sign I asked for. Is this it? After the longest time of having no word from him, why now? Why on the last day where I set my sign? Why now when I'm ready to give up. Give up on the sign, give up on him...

Then I uttered, "Lord, malakas po ang faith ko sa inyo. Pero parang ayaw ko na pong umasa..."

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